There are well meaning people, who love me like crazy, and who think I am over zealous to be doing what I am doing. What am I doing? Living. Okay, so it’s not that simple really, but when you come right down to it – that’s what it is… living. I’m not dead, I’m not dying, and on top of that, these “good days” honestly change on me daily, sometimes. But I’m not ready to stop or slow up for a minute…
Clouds, Zach Sobiech, Living…. Dying…. I’d never heard of this brave 17 year old kid just hours ago and yet somehow I’m “beyond words” affected by him. Suddenly I can put into words the swirling emotions of the last 6 weeks and my intense feelings of the coming days ahead… a strange thing to say after having said I’m beyond words, I know.
Truthfully? At some point the good health will go back to a downward turn and things will get harder once more. I don’t say this because I’m pessimistic. I’m trying to be truthful with myself. After having read up on this Chiari thing, it’s the nature of it. That said – there will be these wonderful periods of time where things are really good. I’ve decided to celebrate the good times and make them count. I am by no means all rosy and great – and weather can really makes me remember the blasted reason the medicines are necessary – but I’m doing it! I’m getting out and I’m living life again! I’m more me than I’ve been in not just months, but what feels like maybe years. Probably because I’ve given myself permission to…
I’ve begun to see a therapist. For many, that has negative connotations. But I was becoming angry. I have many reasons to see her, I wont go into those mostly, but one main reason is simply to give myself permission to live life, as it comes, in whatever form it comes in, and to not apologize for whatever stage or form it comes in. My health has been a huge obstacle for me to wrap my mind around. It crippled me mentally this last year. I let it. The truth is it WAS crippling this last year – and it was what it was. But when I began to give it permission to rule my living, my happiness, my reason for getting up each day, and my dreams… well, it was time to do something.
I had stopped dreaming. I figured if I couldn’t commit to a lunch date weeks in advance, what was there to dream about? There would be nothing but just getting through the days… nothing to look forward to with my whole being. It should be enough to just want to wake up and be a mom to my kids and wife to my husband. I felt and do feel intensely guilty that it’s not enough for me. I want it to be… but I was created to dream. I was created with a passion to create, to hope, to feel alive and to dream dreams that seem silly and ridiculous. I cant help it – because it’s just who I am… it’s me. It’s who I’ve been since I was a girl. And I am a better Mom and wife when I acknowledge all this and do something about it.
I come back to it over and over – and I’ve heard the lack of understanding in a blank tone after sharing how the audition and the play this Christmas, “Saved my life.” I know it’s one more time I’ve essentially become a drama queen about my life. But the truth is that it HAS saved me. I’m a girl again. I have my spunk back. I’m happy. I’m not bogged down with the family crises of the moment – nor my own issues. I’m just me.
It’s healthy to have a chance to put down your pack of heavy burdens and lay them at the door for a while, stride across a room into a place where you can be happy and dream a little, and pick it all up a few hours later. It’s not ignoring reality, it’s taking a break. I am SUCH a better mom and wife when I do it, there’s no comparing it. I’m far more patient and loving when I’ve had a break. The kids even ask me nightly if I have rehearsal tonight. They get it too.
A friend posted a link to a video today and the world ground to a hault. It’s amazing – it’s inspirational – it’s full of hope, and yet keenly tragic. It makes me want to live out loud all the more. Zach’s 17 and he’s got more moxy and umph in his short living he’s left with than I’ve done in all my 38 years. Again, it makes me want to go strap on a pair of new boots and go kick some life-ass.
I am sorry if my taking things too fast, or living too headlong into the moment right now is worrisome or stressful. I hear the concerns. I do. But I cant stop. If it’s not this, I will find something else to dive into that makes me come alive and pop. I want to learn guitar, I want to write another book, I want to strap on some new kicking high heeled boots and waltz down the sidewalk with my head held high while my body lets me. I want to spend my next downtime reliving my joys, whether it’s just a hour, a day, or a month. I want no regrets or minutes missed because I wanted to be cautious.
The bad days come no matter what I do. It doesn’t matter if i do everything perfect. It’s all random. It is what it is. But I have a obligation to live like there were no tomorrows, to live like I was dying… because some people are. They’d give anything to have mine. I owe it to them to live them out loud and with gusto.
My aunt just received a clean MRI from her neurosurgeon. It was her one year anniversary scan from the brain tumor and resulting surgery she had. Last year we were thrilled to have her pull through that scary surgery and be with us still, and this year we get to say THANK GOD for the continued blessings…
Tomorrow is never a given. Even when you don’t have tumors or cancer. The reality is that we ALL are dying. We just don’t have an “END” date. So don’t waste it. Live like you ARE dying. Because…. well…. because if for no other reason… Zach deserves your tomorrows be lived with purpose.
Clouds by Zach Sobiech