A heart stopped…Time froze…and God had mercy


(Taken from April 23, 2007 – personal journal entry- and STILL thankful 4 years later…)

Today my heart stopped beating.  I can honestly say all of the last 4 years rushed before my eyes and I cried out to God in a single heart beat to stop what I was seeing before my eyes.

I was standing a few feet away from my car talking to a friend.  My three children were inside the car happily chatting and I was saying goodbye to Julie.  But from the corner of my eye I saw my son suddenly appear from around the front of the car.  My first thought was annoyance that he was unbuckled and outside the car.  My second was pure fright as he darted across the street into oncoming traffic.

All of time stood still.  I saw his little legs carry him into the path of an oncoming van, with hulking school bus following behind overly close. In slow motion, I watched it all play out, frozen in horror then reacting without a thought in my head.

I reacted as only a mother could, by wordlessly and soundlessly screaming with my heart, to God, and willing the van to stop!  No sound would come from my body, though I demanded it.  I had thrown myself into the path of the van trying to retrieve my child before it hit him.  I grabbed him up as the van came to a screeching halt.  I swear to you there was an angel there waiting to take the impact and protect us both,  The mother in the van and I locked eyes – each equally horrified by the scene that never played out.  We both took a second to recover and move on.  I profusely thanked her for stopping and tried my hardest to keep my composure.

I took my three children home and made it in the door just in time to loose it completely.  I held my son who was reacting to my intense feelings by crying for no reason he knew of.  I sat and sobbed into the sweet fragrance of his very alive head.  I could not stop thanking God for one more day with this child who is so desperate to turn 4 on his next birthday.

It is clear to me that God has plans for this boy.  He is full of life and so totally fearless it terrifies me completely.

Please, Dear God, help me to keep him safe until he is grown and can be all you plan for him to be.  Help me to be a protector but not over protective.  Help me to love him and not smother him…  because right now I want to hold him tight and never let him go.

I want to hold all three of my children in my arms and protect them from this world that seems to have dangers at every turn.  But I can not be there for each instance that may come.  So I turn them over to you right now and thank you in advance for your wisdom and ability to do what I can not do.

Please watch over them and be the protector I so appreciate this very day.

Thank you for your grace and your strength.  I cry out my appreciation today as I write this.  Thank you, Dear Jesus, for one more day with these children, and for your mercy this day.

In Your precious name,

Amen

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