As real as I want to be – I’ve too much pride to ditch the mask…


As much as I declared to myself that I would ditch all masks while here in this blog place – the last few days have shown me just how much pride I really have.  I looked in the mirror a hour or so ago and wondered just how much I was even fooling myself.  Humbleness is not something a person comes by natural.  I firmly believe it comes from a lot of practice and constant soul searching.  Me?  I am sooooo not practiced up yet.  I am a huge work in progress…

I’d like to say I plan to take you on the journey of the last couple days and show you what amazing revelations I have had, but I wont. I am not ready yet.  I will be oddly vague and detail-less.  It’s just too close, personal, and painful right now.  So why the heck am I blogging it, you ask?  You’re rambling here, Christi.  I have to write because it has been a long 36 hours and a roller coaster of a ride.  I have to say something or explode – and yet – I cant say a single word.  I cant make sense of it in a way to explain to anyone.

I have had to suck up my pride on numerous occasions before, but yesterday was the hardest.  Over and over I was forced to not only do the thing I do the worst in life – ASK FOR HELP – I also had to receive said help with grace, a smile, and with a thankful heart.  While I was very grateful – I was – I was shocked just how hard it was to swallow myself and meekly say thank you.  I wanted to wave it away, “Thanks-but-no-thanks.”  Have you ever been there?  UGH!

I have been more scared in the last month than I have in a long long time, and yet, surprisingly calm and sure that it would all work out.  It doesn’t even make sense, I know.  But truth is I know that God has plans for us – plans to prosper and not to harm, plans that give us hope and a future.  (Jer. 29:11)   I’ve been looking out over a cliff, seeing no bridge as far as the eye can see, and knowing full well there was a ledge somewhere to catch us, but still I was fretting and stressing over how I was gonna get us from here to way over there on the other side of the canyon.  And the answer is that I never was going to do any of it at all. It was out of my personal control and I knew that before I began, yet tried anyway.

It had been a long day of ditching my pride, sucking it up, and allowing God to work as He chose to work, and provide how He chose to provide for us right now.  I gave it all up last night to Him, in tears, and went to bed.  When I awoke, God had moved overnight and many things immediately began falling into place.  The largest issues I couldn’t fix are now resolved for today.  The tough pride biting provided the needed things yesterday as I ran around town.  Over and over God has not only given us what we needed, but shown himself to be faithful, loving, and true.

I know this is vague – and because I have no words that are worth much of anything, I leave you with this song – and the lyrics.  Maybe someday down the road I can find words- but for now, I encourage you to hang tight – give it to God – and let Him do HIS thing.  He can do it if you let go of it and allow Him to take it and turn it into something beautiful.

 

Us Together –  Matt Maher

It don’t have a job;  don’t pay your bills;

won’t buy you a home in Beverly Hills.

 

Won’t fix your life – in five easy steps.

Ain’t the law of the land or the government.

But it’s all you need and…

 

Love will hold us together

make us a shelter to weather the storm.

And I’ll be my brother’s keeper

so the whole world will know that we’re not alone.

 

It’s waiting for you – Knockin’ at your door

in the moment of truth – when your heart hits the floor

and your on your knees and…

 

Love will hold us together

make us a shelter to weather the storm.

And I’ll be my brother’s keeper

so the whole world will know that we’re not alone.

 

This is the first day of the rest of your life

This is the first day of the rest of your life

Cause even in the dark you can still see the light

It’s gonna be alright,

It’s gonna be alright.

 

This is the first day of the rest of your life

is the first day of the rest of your life

Cause even in the dark you can still see the light

It’s gonna be alright,

It’s gonna be alright.

 

Love will hold us together

make us a shelter to weather the storm.

And I’ll be my brother’s keeper

so the whole world will know that we’re not alone.

 

 

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