Nothing any more…


I had been laying trying to psych myself up to actually put my feet on the floor for about an hour. Migraines leave me feeling like a jiggly pile of jello has replaced my bones and I’m unsteady and unmotivated. But hearing the sounds of happy kids outside my bedroom window made me move. They’d begged to go outside, and I spose many would think me a bad mom to say yes, I did say it anyway. They promised to stay in our yard and not go throughout the block, and they are 11, 9, and nearly 7. Not exactly babies and can hold their own in a battle of the tattle tale wars. I never worry about not knowing what’s going on, sick or not.

I wanted to see my kids playing and not miss the whole day. It was noon for pity sakes and i still was in this infirmary bed of sorts. The nagging sense that they were outside unsupervised also drove me to put one foot in front of the other and not let the intense pounding threatening to open my skull prevent me from doing so any longer.

I got up in time to see Drake rush in and begin digging through his toy bin with gusto. I smiled and leaned on the door frame for support and I asked what he was looking for. He froze. Hmmm. That would be Warning# 1. “Just a thing,” he answered vaguely. Hmmm. A thing. That’d be warning#2. Drake is detailed and full of amazing stories for everything. Vague = trouble. I asked what he was doing outside, and he said “nothing any more.” And so my warnings were complete. That would be warning#3. If it wasn’t happening anymore, and you felt the need to remove yourself from it, then it couldn’t be GOOD things that were going on – but secretive fun things . Now this called for a BIG HMMM.

They were creating a river. A river in the back yard with water from the hose. The river’s banks were being built up when i looked out the window. It is safe to say we do not own a fantastic backyard full of glorious green grass, but what grass we do have we try hard to keep looking like, well, a sparse yard at least. The river, it’s newly enlarged banks, and the pond it ran to were NOT exactly in the landscaping plans for our lawn.

To be truthful a lot of me actually wanted to just let them do it. I remembered being a kid and making rivers and mud pies. I loved creating in the mud, building little bowls and food, buildings with mud and sticks, and entire worlds in my imagination. But the stinkin adult in me wanted to not have a river and muddy pond in my yard, and KNEW their dad would like it far less than I did. So i did the annoying grownup thing and told them to find something new to do that did not involve creating rivers in the backyard.

For one more moment, i again wished for a home in the country, so my kids could run and play, make mud pies and entire worlds till their creativity ran dry. Somehow i know i wouldn’t care there, but the postage stamp of grass we have here makes me a bit rigid.

I am sure since they moved on and are still having fun that no permanent damage was had… but i still am sad at the stifling of creativity my adult side seemed to require of itself.

But each time i think about Drake i laugh out loud. The answer to my question of “whatcha doin” was “nothing any more.” I am wondering… did he really mean they were done building it, or did he KNOW that the fun was over? Mom’s up, were gonna be doing nothing now…

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